Just when I had my eyes on you, you started wandering off.

I was never ever strong enough. Not when it comes to you. Not when 7 years of friendship have passed. I'm still feeling the same, it's becoming a recurring nightmare not even you can help.

Droplets of hope.

Its raining over here in camp. Well actually its raining everywhere. My whole bunk is asleep and I can't fall asleep somehow. Maybe there's too much on my mind. Somehow or another, NS has done a very complete and thorough job in transforming our whole life into military life. Now, whenever I book out, all I can talk about with my buddies is camp life. And well, to other people, nothing much, except for when their updating their lifes and stuff. Really really starting to think this will make a drastic change to the people in my life. And for that matter, I've realised the change in my character. No, the true side of me actually. I'm talking about the way I communicate to others, the way I behave, or make jokes around and what I do when my anger level is up to a person's head. All these personalities which have been inside of me have been non-existant for a very long time. Maybe cos I've been too laid back. I see that as a positive change, cos all of a sudden, I forgot who I was. Hopefully ill be able to unveil more of who I am, in weeks to pass.

In the past few weeks, I've realised who are the people I truely miss and treasure as a friend. Those that have always been there but regretably, not the first person I go to when I'm facing a particular problem. And maybe I've hid too much, so now its hard to get back that kind of relationship. I really hope these thoughts and feelings don't extend, for there's no good way things will turn out. At the same time I know you've lost one, and found another, I remain glad that you've found happiness, and that we would and should stay as good friends. Here's hoping he would reciprocate your feelings, as I'm sure he'd be a lucky man.

Nightmare.

I cannot have these feelings for you coming back to me now. I've managed to subdue it for what, 5 years, and really shouldn't be even thinking about it. Hopefully it was just a thing of the moment.

Erased

Someone Like You - Adele

If only...

I have a thousand and one things on my mind right now. But I can't seem to tell you, though the thousand and one things are about you, ironically.

Loving you was the best and worst thing that happened to me this year.

& karma is really taking a massive poop on me now. I can't say I don't deserve it, I shall take it on my outer shell then, hope it can finally be broken.

I Can't Stop Loving You - Toto

I've realised that most of the time, I blog when I'm feeling down, or just have thoughts that I deem feel better to be expressed through text, rather then words.

So I've made it a point to keep things balanced. On a see-saw, one side reserved for my heavy heart, the other for the latter. However, keeping in line with the expression, I need more light hearted events to keep it fair. So far its none at the moment, but I hope things will get better.

The Depression.
This week has been a rather depressing one. I found myself to become pretty brainless, probably because all day long at work I just repeat the same things over and over again. What's made it worse is that my colleague just left, which makes me the only caller. Now its both depressing and lonely. The other staff members are always so busy cos we're shorthanded, and I'm always lunching alone. Usually I'm able to take these feelings rather well, but with the nature of the work, with people being rude and hanging up all the time, it just became worse. I hope things become better. Maybe I need a new job, hmm.

The Anxiety
I don't know is it the feeling of anxiety that I've been feeling rather short-breathed nowadays. I think its all karma coming back to me, but I feel really crappy nowadays. Afraid of something. Something so deep and dark you don't wanna uncover, but it's the truth. No one understands how you feel, because it's just the way you feel. No one else has your heart.

Have you ever experienced something so magical. And yet, you sidewalk and think of that something as just an illusion. It's just based on futuristic expectations. Because of that, sometimes I think I gave too much too quickly. And maybe you are scared. If you aren't, I am. That you actually do not feel the same way I do. We are both confused people. But I know my feelings for you are true. I don't know what to do now.

Love Hurts - Incubus

So why bother?

I'd think I'd feel much more carefree without love.

But yet, if you find the right one, you wouldn't regret any second that you are with her. Sharing the joy, pain, excitement, laughter and silence, you find it reassuring when she's around for those.

When she's not around, you feel an empty, indescribable feeling. You want her around in everything.

So why waste your time and effort, chasing after something which isn't in your line of recee?

Love just makes you do stupid things don't it. You ache when you aren't appreciated, yet deep down, you just want to give her everything.

So why change yourself to someone you're not?

Changes for the better, why not? Sometimes, if you're able to change yourself to be able to adapt to a person's weakness, you're in a unique relationship. That's something you should hold on to, because, not everyone can.

Why am I thinking so much? Urgh, Well thats what happens when you think you have feelings for someone. Nothing can explain what you're feeling and what you want to do. It really sucks, and the thought about telling that someone makes you think even more.

What are the consequences?
What would you do?
What would she do?
What if things don't work out?
What if commitment was a far greater issue then you thought it was?

Someone please take away my brain for a minute, and have me work on instincts a bit more. Thanks.

Nostalgia.

Hi. Have been missing lots of feelings these few days. Maybe some days reminds me of what I've done previously on the certain days. Yesterday was the second day of Chinese New Year. I shrugged when people start asking me stuff like "where's your girlfriend? Never bring her to meet us?" and "how are your grades". The girlfriend thing is fine actually, just don't know what to say. Broke up? Couldn't make it? But by instinct I'd just say the truth. Then there'd be this awkward silence. Just hate the asking about school part cos I could tell some of them just wants to compare.

Made me think, wow its been a year eh. Or about there. I do miss those times. Maybe about having a companion, not anyone in specific.

Intimacy could be a great thing or a bad thing, depending on how you view it.
Well for me, sex could mean something more then just pleasure, amongst other scientific stuff whatsoever. What I could picture is, soft music in the background (cliche) I'm lying beside her, and we'd be looking into each other in our eyes, searching for something deeper then irises. I stare deep into her eyes, as if to tell her she means the whole world to me, and I'd be anything for her anytime, anywhere. She does the same to tell me she understands what I meant. Then I'd give her a smile. A short but simple one, just to initiate her's because, oh, her smile is just the greatest sight ever.
It's the closest we can be physically, but yet, emotionally there are bridges yet to finish glueing. There's the adventure I wouldn't mind taking on with her. Everything's so hot and steamy, and nothing else in this world would matter to you anymore. You just don't want to miss a sight of her - her pretty eyes, and her irresistible soft, red lips. I just can't imagine how would it be like to kiss her. Just one peck on her lips. I can't imagine, but to try. It acts like a spark, to ignite it all - the heat, passion, love. It allows us to take our emotions and feelings for each other to a whole new realm.

Well there's probably more to go on about, but I shan't elaborate on that part. Some day else probably. [This reminds me of some teaser or trailer]

For now I shall say goodnight to myself, and hope dreams with her in them stop recurring.

Nightmares

I hate dreams.

You're on the hot air balloon, just suddenly on it as if someone pull you up by your collar and dropped you in the tiny and claustrophobic basket.
You flabbergast for a minute but adjust and started enjoying the view and the hot air which warms up the cold cold clouds.

First, you past by a few flying doves, and then an eagle.
Then you looked down and saw how small the field you were at was. It came to you as a past - you wouldn't want to go back to ground level, because you found a new way to live.

Then, as if 'life' doesn't treat you better, you saw the mountain. Huge, mesmerizing and majestic. That was the crux of it all - the peak of all the climaxes. All in all one whole experience where you think no one else except you get to feel.

Suddenly, there was silence. Nothing can be heard, felt, or seen. You felt that your 6 senses were all paralyzed.
Slowly, you began to think, where am I. Your sense of hearing came back. You hear some rasping, which you had feared since the beginning of this 'flight to nowhere'.

SNAP. You wake up. And then it's over, you were back on the field and, nothing has really happened because what the hell. It all happened only in your head.

I hate dreams.

Reminiscence..

Merry Christmas!

It's supposed to be a joyful time of the year, hope you guys managed to keep it up! I'm really glad I got to spend it with really awesome friends and got great gifts.

However, every christmas, without fail, I'll be reminded of certain people in my life who changed it, in one way or the other. Don't get me wrong, I'm not emo, just reminded! Like how stockings remind you to get presents before its too late :X

Since its a joyous occasion, this post will be a happy one I promise (:

Angel:

I remember when I walked out of my house, my heart would start beating heavily when I see you across the road. It was a real surprise that you managed to get my email and we started chatting a lot. I missed those times. I remembered having a huge crush on you, that lasted the whole year till Christmas 4 or 5 years ago. I wanted badly to give you your Christmas gift but nope the letterbox was too small. And that you wanted me to throw it across your gate, but I didn't want to spoil it. Wow, I'm actually surprised I remembered stuff like this. Simple things like late night chats and post morning conversations are really things that I treasured. You were a pleasure to talk to, and I don't know how did everything just stopped, however heartbroken I was, I got over it. And all those contributes to my happy memories. And they always give me such a great and happy feeling, which nothing else can.

Jing Yi:

You were the reason why I spoke English so much, and got pretty good at it. That I have you to thank. You showed me how every simple thing can be meaningful. Those stories that you wrote for me. I still kept them, but I forgot where I left it ): I'd love to read them again. You were really pretty and smart, and though during the time I didn't really have feelings for you, I teared during christmas night when I realized school would be starting soon, and I wouldn't be able to talk to you as much. And soon after that, I started missing you a lot, but I don't know why everything just stopped. You then soon became the example of someone I'd look out for to be in a relationship. But I found out there is no one else like you. Your unique personality really strikes out, and I long to talk to you again, just to see how much you've changed.

Wow, can't believe it actually turned out pretty sad. Oh well, I'm feeling optimistic about the new year, so Merry X'Mas and Happy New Year! I shall go back to writing my Christmas Cards (Wth right.)

Waiting for a Girl Like You - Foreigner.

The more I try to run away, the more it hurts my emotions and my behavior. Towards people.

It's a bad disease, but I have to get rid of that feeling somehow.

I guess it just became worse when I feel that you aren't giving me as much attention.

But its alright, at this rate, the feelings will just all go away.

I hope.

On a lighter note, I'll be performing with a jazz band on New Year! My freaking dream come true. At a hotel in Sentosa I guess. Can't wait, but yea gotta practice hard, I'll continue psycho-ing myself to do so!

Can't Fight The Feeling Anymore - REO Speedwagon

meant We're not be. to

meant We're not be. to

meant We're not be. to

meant We're not be. to

meant We're not be. to

meant We're not be. to

meant We're not be. to

meant We're not be. to

Sorry, I have to drill it in my head so I can feel normal around you again.

Right now I feel like shit. I don't feel like I'm myself around them.

Had this exact same emotional rush like what, 3 years ago. I thought I had fought it off, but no. I'm still the same less confidence of a man to tell the other how I felt. Never knew I would find myself into this kind of situation again. AGAIN.

Isn't there a freakin' remedy for it?

Last night, I had a dream, a good but weird one. But almost 100% of my dreams don't come true, so oh well. I can just bloody stop dreaming and get back into reality where things actually matter.

All's Hell

I don't need to have these kind of feelings anymore,

However badly I want it, it's never gonna happen.

Suppressing it doesn't help, they will all just come back again.

All is just a figment of an imagination. So please poof away.

Love Will Keep Us Alive - The Eagles

All of a sudden, I started missing you again.

All memories, good or bad remains. Though it was only for a couple of months, I really missed the night rides, ventures, crazy things we've done and well everything.

Wished everything could have been different, but it wouldn't happen.

It's all my fault really, so I'm really sorry.

Hope you're doing fine, you're a strong girl.

Too Much Work.

For some of us, we spend our whole life figuring out who we are.

But could it be just right in front of you, yet you're unwilling to accept?

Please,

be strong my dear. I will be there for you whenever you need next time. But for now, I am as helpless as you are. Thing will be different; they are.

For times when you feel small...

...shy,

Unappreciated,

Stepped on,

Left out,

Belittled,

Outcasted,

Crawled all over,

Meaningless.

Why not be

Cool,

Useful,

Engaging,

Helpful,

Unique,

Beautiful,

Loud,

Fluffy,

Instead?

Don't be a small different plant in an orchid garden,

Be that scarecrow - a scared for, but appreciated for what it is.

I'm such a fool in love.

This song brings back soooo much memories!

Of jams, the gig, and meet ups that I miss so much. And well, other things that revolved around that time.

I miss Halimah too! But she's coming back soon, so I'm very much looking forward to it. We shall be revisiting the old times!

Mahesh too! He's coming back soon I think. Can't wait.

Things aren't really going well for me, and well, revisiting the old memories do help.

(Crosses fingers) Hope they'd get better!

And well, some other memories are just like a can of cola. Enjoy it while it's cold, and when the time is up, crush it and throw it in a pile of garbage.

Don't mean to end it on a solemn note, but what the heck.

I should enjoy life as it is! It's the pain which have us treasure the good times. People that we have now. The situation we are in. So, be glad with what you have now, and seek of ways to make it even better. And well, goodbye!

That's me.

Oh but wait, I'm not Norman.